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Information Collected 2. They may say they "don't know" who they want to be with or that they "need space" to figure out their feelings. Perhaps the marriage has deeper, long-standing problems and the unfaithful spouse feels ignored or unloved. Perhaps the unfaithful spouse believes they are truly "in love" with their affair partner. Perhaps the unfaithful spouse enjoys the sexual or emotional excitement they get from the affair, and likes having their "pick" of two people. How to handle this situation largely depends on why it's happening.
That's why it's impossible to give one-size-fits-all advice in terms of managing it. Yet some counselors and coaches will recommend that a betrayed spouse delay taking action and instead let the affair run its course. They will suggest that the betrayed spouse continue to tell the unfaithful partner how hurtful the behaviour is, hoping that at some point their partner will "get it" and end the affair.
Few spouses do well when pressured to "compete" with their spouse's affair partner. Why do they recommend this? Again, there may be multiple reasons; however, one reason may be because they simply don't know how to manage such an intractable situation or what else to tell a distraught client. What you do now is critical to your future.
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You may also want to set up a 1 hour coaching session with me at some point, just so we can discuss the details and make sure you get this done in the right way and at the right time. Your future depends on it. I will check out the other two books you recommend. Boy this is hard work. Thanks for being so open and honest with your story. You are very wise to seek support. Many people read my book twice to really soak in all the truths that are there in our story.
I did not get mad; rather I rationally, calmly and thoughtfully drew a line.
Step 1 — before you do anything get some perspective , by reading the books I mentioned above, and perhaps talking with a good counselor or coach. If you threaten your husband or get mad, your behavior will be perceived as a meaningless empty threat which will produce no results and only serve to escalate the negative feelings and disrespect between you. Step 2 — Choose your timing carefully.
The bottom line is generally speaking unfaithful spouses develop some genuine feelings for their affair partners, and as painful and as unfair as this is, it needs to be understood that breaking those ties is generally not so easy for them. No two marriages or affairs are identical so the timing in your situation is unique to your unique circumstances. Step 3 — Deliver the ultimatum. This will need to be done in the form of a letter.
Write a letter and take your time doing it. This letter has nothing to do with getting mad or angry , quite the contrary.
If the affair is over, what is the harm of ongoing contact with the affair partner?
Oh they will verbally, but their heart will be thinking of your spouse as more. Once again let me emphasize, this letter has nothing to do with being angry. Be honest about how painful the discovery of the affair has been for you. State the things you are not prepared to live with in your marriage, such as them continuing contact with the 3rd party. You are not telling your spouse what to do. You recognize and respect that they are free to choose.
You may want to explain why this is not okay with you. State clearly what you need in order to remain in the marriage. Do not be wordy or unclear here. Note: You must realize that some marriages are salvageable after affairs, and some are not. But in the long run love and making right decisions cannot be forced on another human being. Certainly this was the case with my marriage. Anything less comes off as too needy, is unattractive and will push your spouse away from you. You cannot force someone to love you. Leave yourself some dignity! Tell them that if they choose to leave you will not make it difficult for them.
Really set them free to choose. This will shake them up.